Do I Hear Fifty?

Here's the sticky. I have a bad kidney. I guess it runs in my family, my dad has kidney stones all the time and in the last three months I have had not one....not two....THREE kidney infections. And if you've never had a kidney infection, imagine that someone took one of those pens that has a bobbly Mickey Mouse on the top, and then shoved it into your back and twists it randomly. It's not very fun. I promise. 


So, I have made a very important decision regarding my dysfunctional organ. I will sell it. 


So, if any of you know anyone that needs a semi-functional kidney, and is willing to pay me bank for it. Give me a call. You can even text me, either way....

Why I'm a Widow. But Not Really.

I have this ring. Technically it's an engagement ring. But not fer realz. One of my friends from High School bought a huge bag of crappy rings from the dollar store and went around proposing to every girl he knew. I like weird stuff like that, so I wear the ring all the time. And I always wear it on my ring finger. And sometimes it ends up on my left ring finger.


The other day, my neighbor Miguel came over to have a friendly chat. I was talking to him, and he noticed that I had a ring on my left ring finger. He asked me what that was all about, and before I could react my roommate Elise said. " Oh yes, Brittany is eloping. Didn't you know?"


So then, we made up this huge story about the man I was eloping with. Who we decided to name Edwin. I like to call him Incredwin, because he's a very incredible man. 

( All physical Similarites to "Tangled's" Flynn Ryder are purely coincidental )

Edwin is amazing. He graduated from High School when he was 12. He then spent 7 years in the Peace Corps in Spain. He left Spain because he had done all the service there was to do. Spain is now a utopian society because of him. I met him hiking. I fell and twisted my ankle, he found me and carried me back to the trailhead. After that, we were blissfully in love. Baby, He's my wonderboy. (If you know what that's from, we are best friends)

So, Incredwin and I were going to elope to Spain, where he was offered the position of High-Supreme-Ruler-King. But then, the unthinkable happened. He was volunteering on a turkey farm in St. George, when a crazy psycho killer turkey snuck up on him and stabbed his eyes out. My poor dear man was in the hospital with no eyes and then he caught the avian flu. And died.

Now I am a poor 19 year old widow. 

It's a hard knock life.

So it goes.

Disaster

Now, I am not trying to be vain or narcissistic when I say that I am a fairly attractive human being. I'm no Marilyn Monroe, or Audrey Hepburn, but I think I'm fairly nice to look at. One of my favorite things about myself is my hair, I love my hair. Maybe, if I could, I would marry it. It's just so, orange-y and soft and shiny.


Anyways... when I'm bored, I love playing with my hair. Curling it, straightening it, braiding it, pulling it up, taking it down...and the last time I was at Wal-Mart I decided to invest in some hair rollers. I thought it would be an awesome plan, shower at night, put my hair in the rollers, and then take them out the next day and have gorgeous, luscious, curly hair. Unfortunately....things didn't quite work out...

See Here I am, not bad right?

Here's me in the rollers. It took forever, but I was so excited that I didn't care. 

Yup. That's how it ended. I looked like a bad cross of Annie and a lion. I showed my roommates and they laughed for a long time. It was very embarassing. 

So, moral of this story: don't use hair rollers. Unless you want to look like you have an afro. 

The End.

Glass Half Full of Love

Ok, I know I got a little carried away with myself the other day with all my man bashing. I apologize. Really, sorry that you had to read that. I have decided to change my outlook on life, and focus on the things that I love in the world. So, here is my list of the things in this world that I love.


                      Brittany's List of Love

• College. I love it. I would marry it. 
• Ravioli. Truly the food of champions. You boil water, you drop it in said water, and five seconds later you have DINNER!! I'm not even kidding, I practically live off the stuff.
• My Beta fish Fido. Hands down the sexiest fish this side of the Mississippi. 
• French Movies. Even when they yell curses at each other, they still sound ridiculously sexy.
• Say Yes to The Dress. So what if I spend a ridiculous amount of time watching this show, and then looking at wedding dresses online? I'm a single college freshman! Give me a break!!
• Swing Dancing. I'm taking two more swing dance classes this semester, and I think I might just quit college and become a professional swing dancer. The End.
• Glee. In my opinion, this is the best show ever to be on TV. And one day I will marry Artie. And Puck. And Mike Chang. And Sam. And Blaine. Yes, really I will marry them all.
• Lea Peterson. This girl is probably the best roommate in the history of the world. I love her to death. 
• Wal- Mart. Where else can you go when your apartment runs out of toilet paper at one in the morning?
• Wearing Huge Dorky Glasses.Something about them just makes you feel better about life.
• Mail. I don't care if it's a coupon to some place I've never heard of, I just love when I open my mailbox and there's stuff for me inside! It's like a little mini Christmas!
• Healthy Kidneys. As a woman who has suffered through a nasty kidney infection, I learned not to take your kidneys for granted. 
• Peach Orbit Gum. I used to only chew minty flavored gum, then I discovered this peachy kind. It makes my mouth feel like a fresh summer day. 
• Zoe Deschanel If I could be any celebrity, I would be her. I think she's amazing.
• Flirting I think I'm going to start counting flirting as my favorite sport. I just really enjoy it.
• ROSS. Ok, I had never shopped at Ross until i got to college. You can buy shirts there for THREE DOLLARS!! I bought the cutest bra of my life there, and it was only like five bucks. That's what I call a good investment.
• Diet Dr. Pepper. I could drink this until I exploded, and believe me-I've come pretty close.
• Yoplait Whips. I never used to like eating yogurt, but this is so fluffy and whippy it feels like you're eating clouds. 

That's about all I could think of for now, I hope you enjoy it. And I'd love to hear what kind of random things you love! you can tell me if you like. or not tell me. What e're foo. Bro....seph.....dawg.........

Secret Valentines Plans

As you all know, Valentines is coming up. As you also know, or at least inferred from my last post, I am relatively manless for this day of affection. And by relatively, I mean completely. My roommates are pretty much in the same boat as me, which proves that there is a serious problem with the men up here. My roommates are all gorgeous, amazing girls that any man anywhere else in the world would give anything to date. But, since we are all manless on Valentines day, we decided to have a secret scandalous party, the details of which will never be revealed to anyone other than the four of us. 
        Are you curious? Are you just dying to know? Well you can't. I'm sorry.  If I told you, then there would be catastrophic repercussions. Kind of like when you rip the tag off a mattress. Or when a Vogon reads poetry to you. It just wouldn't be good. But, since I think it would be incredibly cruel to bring this up, and then leave you in the lurch about it, I will give you three hints.Mostly just because I'm very excited for it and cannot contain myself.


Hint Number One: No men will be allowed in our apartment. It would just be improper. 


Hint Number Two: We all had to go buy new attire to wear at this party. New matching attire. (devilish eyebrow wiggling)


Hint Number Three: I don't know anyone else who is having a party like this. But I know plenty of people that secretly wish they were. 


There you have it, who needs men on valentines day? Not my apartment! We have much better plans....

I HAVE HAD IT!!

Ok. I need to rant for a little bit.

I am not trying to toot my own horn in any way, but I am a smart, funny, driven, attractive young lady that is an excellent swing dancer. And a ginger. Why is it, that in the seven months I have been at Utah State I have only been on TWO DATES! What the heck??!?! What is wrong with all the men in Logan??????

I have friends at different colleges that have been through three different relationships by now. WHAT IN THE WORLD IS WRONG WITH LOGAN???????????

I have guys that are my friends. But romance? I have nothing. NOTHING!

I'm not saying that I need a man. I am happy with who I am, and where I'm at in my life right now. But I feel like I'm missing out on a valuable part of my college experience. Plus, I really like cuddling with men, and holding hands, and flirting. And right now, I'm not doing any of that.

Moral of this story. MEN IN LOGAN SUCK!!!

The End.

Groundhog Day in Apartment 310

As you all know, today was a very special day, the celebration of a glorious tradition that has been handed down for centuries. IT"S GROUNDHOG  DAY!!! 


WooHoo!!

If you really think about it though, groundhog day is probably one of the dumbest holiday's there is. Even dumber than Columbus Day or Hooray-A-Man-Made-A-Wrong-Turn-And-Destroyed-An-Entire-Indigenous-Civilization-Day or  April fools aka A-Long-Time-Ago-A-Bunch-Of-People-Acted-Stupid-To-Get-Out-Of-Paying-Taxes-Like-Responsible-Citizens-Day. Groundhog Day should really be called Hey-Look-An-Unattractive-Furry-Creature-Is-Doing-Normal-Furry-Creature-Stuff-And-We're-Going-To-Pretend-He-Can-Tell-The-Future-Because-We're-Dumb-Politicians-With-Nothing-Better-To-Do-Day.


Despite the idiocy of the tradition, my apartment decided to host an epic Groundhog Day party. We invited our whole floor over, fed them delicious brownies, and then performed a re-enactment of the Groundhog seeing his shadow; complete with a fake groundhog, and a motivational speech proclaiming that there are only six weeks until spring! Then we explained to one of our chromosomally challenged neighbors that it didn't really matter if the groundhog saw his shadow or not. Either way, Spring is equally far away. Plus the groundhog is only 19% effective.


Have a great Groundhog Day everyone! I hope it was a ludicrous and ridiculous as mine was!!!


Brittany