Especially After That Lovely Eulogy...

Well folks,

Christmas is over.

I hope your holidays were as good as mine,

Because mine were fetching awesome.

I don't mean to brag or anything,

But my family Pernones N00bs at Christmas.

I am now the proud owner of my own beautiful, splendid, darling ukulele. And I have not stopped playing it since Christmas Day.

Literally.

I'm playing it right now.

Like while I'm typing I'm also playing my ukulele.

You only wish you were that skilled.

I also recieved Call of Duty Black Ops! As you all should know, I am very much a lover of Call of Duty. I suck at it, but I love it all the same. As of now I have already assassinated a fake Fidel Castro and started a mass breakout from a Prison.

Basically, I just rock at life.

Sadly though, the joys of Christmas were halted very abruptly this morning.

Remember those suicidal fish my sister brought home last week?

Well.

I was helping my sister clean out their bowl this morning, when one of the fish jumped out of the bowl, careened out of control down a raging river of death...

....and fell into the garbage disposal.

This whole scene was of course much more intense when you know that my sister and were screaming like ninnies the entire time.

Our shrill shrieking did nothing to change the fact that Izzy The Fish had come to her end.

We brought our other sister into the kitchen and had a small impromptu service for dear Izzy, where we celebrated her memory and hoped that her little fishy soul would find peace in the Sewer Beyond.

We then dried our tears,

(hypothetically of course, we're not that silly)

put on our brave faces,

and returned to our lives.

And we're all afraid to turn on the garbage disposal.

The End.

The Tale of the Suicidal Fish

Here's the news,

My dadd's surgery? It went awesome.

His clavacle is now reattached to his shoulder

and he has a super cool sling.

And he's on lots of drugs, which means he's been having a LOT of fun playing Lego video games.

Here's more news,

My sister Kaitlyn came home yesterday with two little teeny fish that one of her friends didn't want anymore.

If you know anything about me, you will know that I

FETCHING LOVE FISH

So I was really excited.

I put them in a super cute vase/bowl with super cute rocks at the bottom, and helped my sister name them.

I really wanted to call them Kili and Fili after the dwarves from The Hobbit (BTW have you seen the trailer???) 

But Kaitlyn didn't really like that.

So.

After much deliberation we named the Izzy and Andrea after the two amazing German Exchange Students that we had live with us for a little while. They were adorable, and we miss them a lot.

After we named them, weird things started happening.

Firstly, I was just walking past their little fishbowl/vase and I tapped on the glass like I always do with my fish back in Logan. Andrea flipped a freakig biscuit. I guess she thought she was being attacked by aliens or raped by a dolphin because she tried to jump to her death and landed flopping around on the table.

Luckily, I quickly scooped her up and put her back in the bowl.

Then I emptied a bunch of the water out so she couldn't jump out again.

The rest of the night proved uneventful fishwise. We rented Crazy Stupid Love and it became my new favorite movie and made me fall even more madly in love with Ryan Gosling. I know it's hard to believe that he can get any sexier after The Notebook, but I assure you it can be done.

This morning I was rudely awakened by my sister and had to fight tooth and nail to stay in my nice warm bed. She finally have up a little bit and went upstairs where she started freaking out about her fish.

Apparantly Andrea was still traumatized about the possibility of dolphin rape and really didn't want to live because she had some how burrowed under all the little rocks at the bottom of the bowl and gotten trapped. I decided I could justify getting out of bed to save the life of a fish, and rushed to help.

My youngest sister Annika was attempting to pull out all of the rocks on top of Andrea with some salad tongs.

Amatuer.

I pulled out all of those rocks with my bear hands

( Yes, I used "bear" on purpose )

And I freed that little suicidal fish.

Not going to lie, I felt a little bit like Superman.

Or at least Aquaman.

It rocked.

The End.



Kindasorta Near Death Experience

Today. Is a big day.

Not because Tom Felton (aka Draco Malfoy)

finally realized that though we have never met,

or spoken, or seen each other ever: we are soulmates.

But don't worry, I'm sure he'll realize sometime.

No.

Today is a big day because my Daddy

aka

THE TITAN OF TESTOSTERONE

is having surgery.

frowny face.

My daddy the Titan, was doing a 25 hour Mt. Bike relay race down in St. George a li'l while ago, and he crashed and tore the ligament that connects his clavacle to his shoulder.

So now, he has to get some ligament taken out of his leg, and put in his shoulder to make his clavacle stop movin around all weird all the time.

He went in for surgery at 7 this morning, so I imagine he's under the knife as we speak.

I hope it's going well.

My daddy is a big tough guy, so I imagine he'll be ok.

Since my parents are both at the hospital this morning, I was assigned the task of taking my sisters to school.

So. I had to get up at 7.

Which is so. so. so. early for me

and drive to their respective institutions of education.

One thing about me that will make this story make more sense is this:

I Hate Driving.

I don't really know why, but it really stresses me out.

Also I'm bad at it.

I had to take the Driver's Test 3 times before I got my license.

Anywhoo...

I'm at the High School dropping off my sister. She gets out of the car and skeedaddles into the building.

I turn around and start heading to the Jr. High to drop off my other sister and her friend that we picked up along the way.

I'm driving, listening to Kelly Clarkson, rocking out a little bit,

when some stupid yuppie in a Mini Cooper pulls out right in front of me without looking.

I screamed a little bit and swerved out of the way of the Cooper Idiot, a steady stream of profanities exiting my mouth as I struggled not to crash into anything.

Then.

We were safe.

I spent a good deal of time verbally abusing said Mini Cooper Yuppie, and sped away from the High school.

And my little sister and her friend were looking at me like I was a jellyfish. Or something else that is shocking like a jellyfish.

I instantly felt super sheepish.

Apologized for my foul language, and dropped them off at school.

I made it the rest of the way home without further incident, and with quite a bit of rocking out to Katy Perry.

I am now anxiously awaiting the arrival of my invalid father.

He gets super funny when he's on painkillers,

I'm excited to see how loopy he his!

Drive safe,

Tip your waitresses,

THe ENd.

R-R-Redo!

So.

Sometimes you look at your life,

and some things need some change.

Sometimes it's big things, like your address, your major, or your last name.

Sometimes it's little things, like which side you part your hair on, or what color you paint your toenails.

And sometimes.

It's inbetweeny things like tote's redesigning your blog.

That's right Ladies and Gents, Illumination Apparatus is no more. Not because there was anything wrong with it, I was just ready for a change.

Hopefully you like it,

but if you don't....

I'm not going to beat myself up about it.

So.

Other than this cute li'l switcheroo I did, there's not much that has been going on in my life.

Finals are over and done, and I'm spending my break in good ol' Ogden with my good ol' family.

I forget how much I love being home while I'm in Logan, then every time I come home I remember how much I just love it here.

My house is just so comfy and it always smells like pine trees and my dad's bread.

I just love it.

I love home.

Also, I love Christmas!

Last Sunday I had a little mini Christmas with my roommates, it was adorable. We all pitched in together to make a delicious dinner, and then we all crammed around our pathetically small table and ate and laughed together.

We've all been through a lot this semester, and it was so nice for us all to just be able to relax and forget about all our problems and just be happy for a little while.

That's what I love most about Christmas, it's a chance to forget about all the hate and the sadness that we're subjected constantly to in this world, and just focus on love, and giving, and happiness. Christmas is like summer break, but for the soul.

Have a Merry Christmas Guys!!



How To Survive Finals Week:

{This Post is Dedicated To My Dear Friend Taylor VanBibber Because He's A Stud And I Love Him}

All right my dear friends,

It is the time of year where I apologize for being such a bad blogger

And also give you some

probably hilarious

possibly effective

tips for surviving finals.

1. Eat Cookie Dough.

Eat a lot of cookie dough. Eat nothing but cookie dough.

Fill your entire fridge with different varieties: Chocolate, chocolate chip, white chocolate macadamia nut, sugar cookies.

Heck, just get a pack of double-stuffed oreos, a tub of frosting, and eat your heart out.

Literally.

{WARNING: MAY INDUCE SUGAR RUSH}

2. Flash Cards.

Take your textbook, and copy every chapter you're going to be tested on, onto flash cards. Important vocabulary words get their own card, but all the filler crap you can just cram onto random cards and then burn them maliciously.

But. Don't burn them in your apartment. Otherwise the smoke detector will go off and since you're short, you'll have to drag a chair all the way across your apartment to turn it off.

3. Watch Big Bang Theory.

While you're studying, while you're not studying, while you're sleeping, while you're not sleeping, while you're eating, and while you're at the grocery store.

This show is dynamite.

Not only is it hilarious, full of adorable adorable ADORABLE nerd-men, but- they talk about smart things.

When you listen to smart things, you get smarter.

Ergo, if you watch Big Bang Theory, you will become a crazy-genius and be able to pass your finals in your sleep.

{WARNING: ATTEMPTING TO TAKE YOUR FINALS IN YOUR SLEEP MAY RESULT IN FAILURE}

4. Keep Your Brain Stimulated.

If you let your brain rest, everything you've been studying will puddle around and fall out of your ears while you're not looking. So, here are a few things that I have found keep me focused and un-puddly.

When you're becoming distracted, start counting your fingers. Backwards. 

Try to tip a cup over with your mind (Like Matilda)

Play Minesweeper (Learn the rules though, it's not just a really hard guessing game...)

5. Listen to Asian Music.

Asians are smart and attractive.

It is a secret theory of mine that they have secret telepathic messages encoded in their music that make you smarter.

Either that, or their trying to brainwash everyone into liking   Hello Kitty.

(I'm not saying that I don't like Hello Kitty, I just think that the asians are just a little too obsessed. I mean come on people, she just wears cute dresses! It's not that impressive...)

6. Keep Yourself From Becoming Too Stressed.

Stress happens. It's part of life. BUT if you have too much of it, your head will explode and you will die.

To relieve stress, do the following:

Take a bubble bath. If you don't have a tub, just get a bowl filled with soapy water and give your hand a bubble bath.

Punch Something. but not a person or a small animal or a large animal.

Cry. But only once. Watch that youtube video with the soldiers coming home to surprise their families and cry all your worries away. But once the video is over, put on your big girl panties and keep on truckin'!!

7. Don't Lose Hope

I know that preparing for finals week feels a lot like you're in Helm's Deep trying to defend yourself against a massive army of bloodthirsty Uruk's, but really, it's not as bad as you think. Keep going as long as you can, and just when you think you can't go any further, Eomer rides up, snatches you away, and the two of you make many beautiful babies together...

Really though, if you start feeling like a failure, you need to step back for a second and give yourself some "Me" time.

Put on cute panties, paint your toenails, listen to Justin Bieber, and get your groove back girl!!

You got this!!

Like my Literary hero Aibileen Clark would say:

"You is KIND. You is SMART. You is IMPORTANT."

Well my little turtledoves, there you have it.

The ultimate Finals Survival Guide.

Use it well.

Also...CHRISTMAS IS SOON!!!!!

The End.