How To Survive Finals Week:

{This Post is Dedicated To My Dear Friend Taylor VanBibber Because He's A Stud And I Love Him}

All right my dear friends,

It is the time of year where I apologize for being such a bad blogger

And also give you some

probably hilarious

possibly effective

tips for surviving finals.

1. Eat Cookie Dough.

Eat a lot of cookie dough. Eat nothing but cookie dough.

Fill your entire fridge with different varieties: Chocolate, chocolate chip, white chocolate macadamia nut, sugar cookies.

Heck, just get a pack of double-stuffed oreos, a tub of frosting, and eat your heart out.

Literally.

{WARNING: MAY INDUCE SUGAR RUSH}

2. Flash Cards.

Take your textbook, and copy every chapter you're going to be tested on, onto flash cards. Important vocabulary words get their own card, but all the filler crap you can just cram onto random cards and then burn them maliciously.

But. Don't burn them in your apartment. Otherwise the smoke detector will go off and since you're short, you'll have to drag a chair all the way across your apartment to turn it off.

3. Watch Big Bang Theory.

While you're studying, while you're not studying, while you're sleeping, while you're not sleeping, while you're eating, and while you're at the grocery store.

This show is dynamite.

Not only is it hilarious, full of adorable adorable ADORABLE nerd-men, but- they talk about smart things.

When you listen to smart things, you get smarter.

Ergo, if you watch Big Bang Theory, you will become a crazy-genius and be able to pass your finals in your sleep.

{WARNING: ATTEMPTING TO TAKE YOUR FINALS IN YOUR SLEEP MAY RESULT IN FAILURE}

4. Keep Your Brain Stimulated.

If you let your brain rest, everything you've been studying will puddle around and fall out of your ears while you're not looking. So, here are a few things that I have found keep me focused and un-puddly.

When you're becoming distracted, start counting your fingers. Backwards. 

Try to tip a cup over with your mind (Like Matilda)

Play Minesweeper (Learn the rules though, it's not just a really hard guessing game...)

5. Listen to Asian Music.

Asians are smart and attractive.

It is a secret theory of mine that they have secret telepathic messages encoded in their music that make you smarter.

Either that, or their trying to brainwash everyone into liking   Hello Kitty.

(I'm not saying that I don't like Hello Kitty, I just think that the asians are just a little too obsessed. I mean come on people, she just wears cute dresses! It's not that impressive...)

6. Keep Yourself From Becoming Too Stressed.

Stress happens. It's part of life. BUT if you have too much of it, your head will explode and you will die.

To relieve stress, do the following:

Take a bubble bath. If you don't have a tub, just get a bowl filled with soapy water and give your hand a bubble bath.

Punch Something. but not a person or a small animal or a large animal.

Cry. But only once. Watch that youtube video with the soldiers coming home to surprise their families and cry all your worries away. But once the video is over, put on your big girl panties and keep on truckin'!!

7. Don't Lose Hope

I know that preparing for finals week feels a lot like you're in Helm's Deep trying to defend yourself against a massive army of bloodthirsty Uruk's, but really, it's not as bad as you think. Keep going as long as you can, and just when you think you can't go any further, Eomer rides up, snatches you away, and the two of you make many beautiful babies together...

Really though, if you start feeling like a failure, you need to step back for a second and give yourself some "Me" time.

Put on cute panties, paint your toenails, listen to Justin Bieber, and get your groove back girl!!

You got this!!

Like my Literary hero Aibileen Clark would say:

"You is KIND. You is SMART. You is IMPORTANT."

Well my little turtledoves, there you have it.

The ultimate Finals Survival Guide.

Use it well.

Also...CHRISTMAS IS SOON!!!!!

The End.



Merely Players

All the world's a Stage,
And all the men and women merely players.

-Billy Shakespeare

Do you guys ever watch movies and notice just the random people in the background? The ones listed in the credits as "Screaming guy 3" or "Guy in bar"?

I love those people.

And if someone made a movie of my life,

(I know it's never going to happen, but I'm just saying, it would be a great movie)

these are the people that would be the random guys in the background.

Cast

In order of Appearance

Bow-Tie Professor

In my head, his name is Eustace.

Or Winthrop.

Or maybe Xavier.

I always see him walking around campus, and I want to find out what he teaches just so I can take a class from him.

He looks kind of like this:

With a beard like this:

(minus the luscious curly locks)

He wears hats like this:

And Glasses like this:

And last but not least,

A bow tie like this:

I know what you're thinking,

coolest professor EVER right???

That's what I think every time I see him.

He is the coolest man I've ever seen.

Tall, Skinny, Bald Guy

I see this guy everywhere.

The shuttle, by my Chinese Class, by my Math class,

this man is all over the place.

He looks kinda like this guy:

But bald.

I find him fascinating.

I imagine his hame is Bernard,

and that he acts like Sheldon Cooper.

There's also,

Too Much Denim Cowboy Man

Scowling Asian

Who Do You Think You're Kidding Trashy Skank Girl

I mean COME ON, trying to wear crap like this around campus is just sad.

And the only guys you're getting are the douchbags the rest of us are too good for.

Intriguing Barefoot Leather Pouch Man

This guy is actually VERY attractive, but he never wears shoes.

He's always wearing either gym shorts or sweat pants,

And he is always wearing this little leather pouch around his neck.

The pouch is definitely what I find most intriguing,

what the heck does he keep in there?

I come up with various theories when I'm bored,

things like:

The ashes of a Native American Shaaman

A shark tooth

The souls of his ancestors

Beef Jerky

Interesting Rocks

and

A tiny dragon egg.

I haven't yet mustered the courage to ask him,

but one day I will.

These people may just be "extras" in my life, but the great thing about life- is that everyone is the lead character in their own story.

I'm sure all of us are just extra's to other people, but I think the fact that we get to play even a minor roll in the lives of everyone that we meet is kind of magical.

I just hope that I'm the kind of extra that people notice versus the kind that just fade into the background.

Oh, Nothing... ;)

“What I like doing best is Nothing.”

“How do you do Nothing?,” asked Pooh after he had wondered for a long time.

“Well, it’s when people call out at you just as you’re going off to do it, ‘What are you going to do, Christopher Robin?’ and you say, 'Oh, Nothing,' and then you go and do it. It means just going along, listening to all the things you can’t hear, and not bothering.”

“Oh!” said Pooh."

 

I kind of have a sweet spot in my heart for Winnie the Pooh.

My dad read it to me when I was little.

I can remember sitting on his lap and falling asleep listening to his poorly attempted British accent telling me all the adventures of Christopher Robin and his friends in the Hundred-acre Wood.

It was good times.

And I loved it back then, but going back now that I'm older- I get so much more out of it. That A. A. Milne sure knew a lot about life.

 

Last night, my amazing roommate Elise and I found ourselves home alone, with absolutely no plans.

We decided, we were going to spend the whole night doing absolutely nothing.

 

It rocked.

 

We were wild, wild women.

(not to brag....but I rock with alliteration)

We ordered a pizza ONLINE

you can DO that with Domino's!

And it has this nifty little "tracker" that tells you when they bake your pizza, and when your deliveryman leaves the store.

If you pick the romantic themed one, a seductive sounding man says things to you like:

 

"I am baking this pizza with the fires of passion!"

"We are coming my love, and I will not rest until you taste this passionate pizza with your own lips!"

 

Best thing ever right???????

 

We also learned how to do the "Double Dream Hands" dance.

If you haven't ever seen it...look it up.

 

Once our passionate pizza arrived, we washed it down with shots of mineral water.

Mineral water is nasty. Don't drink it.

 

Then we doorbell ditched cookies to our neighbors,

single cookies.

Just to mix things up.

Like I said: We went wild.

 

THen we fell asleep watching the best T.V. show ever: FRIENDS

 

When people ask me what I did this weekend,

I will smile and tell them

"Oh, nothing"

 

And they'll have no idea how jealous they should be.

 

 

 

HOWLOWEEN

What a night!

Oh goodness y'all, no joke I had the time of my life.

Kind of.

Last night happened to be USU's annual incredibly amazing Halloween Party aka

{THE HOWL}

As my idol Stefan would say:

This place has everything!

Stilts

Rubber chickens

Men wearing nothing but fig leaves

And tons of freezing cold air.
Be jealous.

( Adorable McKenna, Gypsy Emily, and Me as a fairy)

The Howl was an adventure right from the start.
Me and my three friends walked the three blocks from my apartment to the building where The Howl was being held only to discover that to buy tickets we had to walk two and a half blocks away to the Basketball Stadium.
We scampered, fast like little rabbits, purchased ourselves some tickets, and then walked the two blocks back to the Howl.
Once we finally got in, holy poop it was a party.
The entire building was completely full of people,
they were EVERYWHERE!
Tall people, short people, fully clothed people, half naked people, more than half naked people, this place was crazy.
I had a bunch of friends who had gotten there earlier who wanted me to meet up with them at the dance, so on to the dance we went. It took us ten minutes to get in- the line was CRAZY, and when we finally did get in- things got even crazier.

Now when I see a crowd- I'm not the kind of girl who just dances on the edge- I dive right in. So we did. We were packed so tight in there that you could barely move, but we did our best and tried to dance. After a few minutes some guys came up and asked if they could dance with us, I said sure.
Big Mistake.
One of the guys grabbed my hips, pulled me super close to him, and proceeded to rub his hands all sorts of all over my butt.
Um. Awkward.
His friend was doing similar things to Emily who also felt her personal space bubble had just been popped to the max. The four of us girls sneaked away through the crowd, away from the Octopus men,
and right in the middle of a fist-fight.
'Twas scary my friends.
Very scary indeed.
Two very large men were both all sorts of upset and were being poorly restrained by their friends. One of them stepped on my foot.
It hurt.
Eventually they got calmed down, the dancing resumed, and me and my gals decided we'd had quite enough.
So we left.
And found this awesome snake man.

Holy poop y'all, we tote's loved that snake.
His name was Malfoy- which is most definitely one of the coolest snake names of all time.
Kudos snake man.

My BFF Jackie loved him too.

Also I love the snake-man's creeper face.

After we spent the better part of 20 minutes annoying the crap out of the snake man- we went and saw the band Cartel.

As you can clearly see, they are as a whole incredibly attractive.

Especially the adorable lead singer.

The concert was pretty much a blast, and they had their bass turned up so loud that my ears are still a little fuzzy.

It was good times.

When it was over, we decided we'd mostly had enough. So we mostly just meandered around.

then Then THEN!

-The greatest moment of my life happened:

That's right

I met the one

the only

Captain Jack Sparrow.

Basically, my life is now complete.

Be so jealous right now.

When we finally left the Howl, we spent 40 minutes searching all over 2 different parking terraces for Jackie's car. The dear, darling girl forgot where it was.

When we finally found it and were leaving the parking terrace, we saw a group of very attractive, very shirtless, very cold sailor's.

They saw us drive up, saw that we were girls, and begged us to drive them to their car.

We're nice, and they were babes.

So we did.

They were hilarious,

and I wish I had thought to take a picture so you could see just how gorgeous they were.

You'll just have to imagine as best you can.

So there you have it folks.

The Howl 2011

I'll see you there next year!

The End.

 

On Fire!

So remember my last post?

All sorts of whining and complaining about how bad of a person I am?

Let's just pretend that didn't happen.

I am a deeply flawed chicken,

but I apologize for making you listen to my silliness.

This week, I have turned over a new leaf.

I've been waking up early

(for me early is seven, don't judge)

I've actually gone to all of my classes

(I like to skip institute, I know- I'm a horrible sinner)

I've tried not to procrastinate on my homework

(which means doing it the night before instead of 20 minutes before)

I've been eating healthier

(except those cookies my roommate made. I couldn't resist)

I've been reading my scriptures

( 2nd Nephi baby!)

I've been exercising

(today I actually went to the gym! Me! The gym!!)

I know this prolly isn't a huge deal to all you people that are perfect. Especially since today is only Wednesday,but

I

Feel

Awesome.

I feel like I could wrestle an alligator

or climb Mt. Everest

or fly.

The End.

I Am One Deeply Flawed Chicken

I need to be better you guys.

I need to be kinder

More patient

More dedicated

More giving.

I need to spend more time exercising

and doing homework

And much much MUCH less time

on pinterest

And facebook

and youtube

and netflix.

I need to eat more vegetables

And less sour cream and onion lays

no matter how delicious they are.

I need to stop gossiping.

Take a leaf out of my good friend Thumper's book

And only say kind things about others.

I need to spend less time wishing I lived in Middle Earth,

or at Hogwarts,

or in a Jane Austen novel.

I need to stop biting my fingernails.

I need to stop whining and pouting about my lack of a love life.

And just suck it up missy.

I need to stop sleeping in until 10 every day,

and actually do something with my life.

I need to be more organized.

I need to stop buying clothes instead of groceries.

I need to stop staying up until one in the morning.

I need to finish the things I start.

Ugh.

I am one deeply flawed chicken.



Before I'm Dead

So disclaimer:

{I LOVE LISTS}

Every chance I get to make a list, is a chance that I will take.

Today's list:

my bucket list.

Here goes:

1. Ride an Elephant
2. Live in China
3. Kiss someone on top of the Eiffel Tower
4. Get married
5. Eat escargot
6. Sing on stage
7. Get Johnny Depp's autograph
8. Get a teaching degree
9. Go skiing
10. Write a book
11. Own a snake
12. Name the snake "Gertrude"
13. Have a family
14. Go skinny dipping
15. Go to Harry Potter World
16. Go skydiving
17. Climb up a really really high mountain
18. Swim with sharks (but NEVER with dolphins)
19. Save someone's life
20. Solve a rubix cube in under a minute
21. Pet a real live tiger
22. See "The Killers" in concert
23. Fall in love (the epic kind)
24. Go to New Zealand (and all the places they filmed LOTR)
25. Make as many people as I can happy

But mostly, I guess, I just want to live a full enough life that I can look back at the end of it without regret. If I can do that, I'll be perfectly content.

BON VOYAGE!!

Some of you may judge me for the tale I'm about to tell.

Do it.

I don't give a flying fart in space.

Today, I was a participant in the great, the chaotic, the hilarious,

2011 Mouse-Boat Races!

Yes.
We bulit boats.

Put mice in them.

And raced them down a river.

This was my boat.

It is made out of styrofoam, popsicle sticks, ribbon, and hope.

It was without a doubt the cutest boat there.

Myself, and my fellow boat builders.

Our fearless seafarers

The captain readying his ship.

Our ship and sailor, readying for departure.

I didn't ever officially name our mouse,

but in retrospect... I like the sound of

Captain Whipwhiskers

And they're off!!!

Navigating through terrible rapids.

So far Cap'n Whipwhiskers is holding steady in second place.

Then, tragedy struck when the boat capsized.

We can only hope that the good Captain was wise enough to swim to shore.

If not, we mourn his loss.

This boat was the ultimate champion.

It's a big shoe box with water bottles stuck onto the bottom.

As far as rodent-vessels go- it was pretty much bad-A.

3 out of 5 mice-sailors made it out alive.

Cap'n Whipwhiskers and one other were the only casualties.

This brave youngster seems quite unphased by the whole ordeal.

Bless his little whiskered soul.

{All in All}

It was a hilarious endeavor that I thoroughly enjoyed.

If you are ever bored

And you have extra mice,

I heartily suggest that you do this.

THE END.

I spy. At my house.

On this day, if you were to take a leisurely stroll through my apartment....

This is merely a taste of the wonders you would behold.

Haydn's ADORABLE owl salt and pepper shakers.

Chicken Tuscana with Angel Hair Pasta

(That I totally made myself)

The cutest and most delicious cupcakes in the world.

My roomies are the best bakers.

The top of Haydn's dresser in our room.

I think it looks like a magical land.

A mini-magical land.

Our Harry Potter cupboard.

The trapdoor under there does not lead to Narnia.

But it is very handy if we ever need to bug our neighbors!

Or hide dead bodies....

My sombrero. I'm almost positive that Richard Sharrah wears the exact same one in one of the Kid History episodes.

Since I'm going to marry him, I notice these things.

We used to call this the Ugly Corner.

Now we call it the nap corner, this chair makes for the comfiest naps of your life. no joke.

My roommate Elise painted the Audrey Hepburn painting.

I love it.

My fish Heathcliff Rochester Darcy's abode.

Yes, that is Squidward's house.

My fish are legit.

Some mostly-beautiful-but-also-slightly-terrifying art left on our fridge by our good friend Evan Kirby.

I added the mohawk.

A battle of love between my roomies Lea and Kristina.

And also Stargirl magnets.

{MOSTLY}

I love my apartment.

And my roomies.

And my life.

The End.



Barmy

I was trying to think of something clever and possibly alliterative to name this post.

I couldn't think of anything, so I turned to my trusty friend

The Thesaurus.

(FYI, a thesaurus is NOT what Dinosaurs called each other)

Dino 1: "Hey, who's thesaurus over there?"

Dino 2: "Oh you know, he's thesaurus we met when we ate that triceratops last week."

But don't feel sheepish if that's what you thought it was until 4th grade. You're not alone.

Anyway...I looked up "crazy" in the thesaurus, and I found the word Barmy.

It's my new favorite word.

I have several phobias that can definitely be described as barmy.

They are as follows:

Number One

Chihuahuas

I know what you're thinking.

Chihuahua's? Really?

THey just sit there with their huge buggy eyes and shake!

How is that scary???

Notice that I said ChihuhuaS meaning more than one.

One chihuahua is nothing, but once you get two or more, they form this little pack and become evil.

No joke.

If I see chihuahuas, I freak out.

WHich is bad, because they can smell fear.

Number Two

Dolphins

Dolphins swim up on shore and rape people.

Also, they're always smiling at you like they know something.

It freaks me out.

Number Three

Other People's Bathrooms

I'm fine with public bathrooms, but I hate Hate HATE using the bathrooms in people's houses.

 I'm always afraid that I'll either break something, or that a serial killer is hiding behind the shower curtain.

Number Four

Venus Flytraps

What if I accidentally put my hand too close and it tries to chomp it off?

Number Five

Aliens

I watched this movie once about this lady whose daughter was abducted by aliens.

They voip you out of your bed, and do freaky experiments on you.

But the worst part? They give you alien ruffies so you can't remember any of it.

Vulcans don't count as aliens though.

I love Vulcans.

Number Six

Clowns

When I was little, my grandparents took me to the circus.

There were clowns there.

One was this sad little clown, with golf balls in his cheeks, holding a sign that said

"Kisses, 10 cents"

My grandma made me kiss the clown.

I was traumatized for the rest of my life.

Number Seven

Childbirth

I don't know how in the world women go through this.

It sounds like the most horrible, painful, traumatizing thing in the world.

I'll just skip it, and adopt Asian babies.

Number Eight

Falling

I hate hate hate hate HATE it.
This is why I never ride The Rocket.

And I'm very wary of cliffs.

And stairs.

Number Nine

Robots

I am Robot.

Terminator.

Decepticons

The Day The Earth Stood Still

How many times do we have to watch the same story before we realize that robots will ultimately be the destruction of humanity?

The only good robots are Wall:E, Eva, and R2D2

The rest are just jerks

Number Ten

The Joker

Mostly just the Heath Ledger Joker.

He still gives me nightmares.

THe Jack Nicholson Joker just makes me laugh.

{SO}

There you have it.

My barmy fears.

Mock me if you will

But don't come crying to me when you're attacked by a chihuahua.

Or a robot.

The End.

How I Didn't Meet a Famous Person's Wife

Remember how I work at Lagoon?

Well, I had to go back this weekend. And it still super sucks.

Especially since I had to miss USU's homecoming game AND participating in a world-record-breaking kissing chain!

Grrrrrrr...

World-record kiss or not, I did still have a pretty interesting weekend. Lagoon has a knack for attracting the weirdest people in the world.

Fact.

Today I was working on Bombora, and on Bombora as on all our other roller coasters- we do not allow riders to bring bags on the ride. It's the rules. It's always been the rules.

So, this lady comes on Bombora. Sits down, and tries to tuck her purse between her feet.

I see stuff like this all the time, so I went over to her and very kindly told her that I couldn't let her take her bag on the ride, and asked her if I could set it off to the side.

She said:

"You most certainly can NOT! This bag is worth more than your life!"

Now,

 the only way I can see a purse as being more valuable than my entire being, is if it were a secret portal into Narnia. As I was 97.939% sure that this wasn't the case, I was slightly perturbed by this answer.

I once again very calmy, very kindly told her Lagoon's bag policy and stated that the bag would been in my full view the entire time and that it would be perfectly safe.

To this she said:

"No you don't understand. I have medication in here. Like, I have hardcore rocks in here, AND $5000 in cash. I'm not letting this bag out of my ****ing sight!"

Ok.

Unless you're an undercover agent trying to bust a notorious drug lord for the FBI, why in the world would you go to an amusement park with hard drugs and exuberant amounts of cash??? I was quite literally scratching my head in confusion when she sighed hugely, shoved the bag at me and said:

"Ok. Fine Dammit. But this bag is worth more than your entire life, so you better not let ANYTHING happen to it!"

As I started the ride I reflected on the conversation and thought to myself that it couldn't get any stranger. I was tempted to hide the bag and say that some weirdo had run off with it, just to see what her reaction would be, but figured it wasn't worth her pulliing a knife out of her boot and getting all Jason Bourne on me.

Instead, I gave it back to her as she exited the ride.

I was expecting another snide remark about how apparantly worthless my entire existence was, or at least some profanity. But I was most definitely NOT expecting what she said next:

"Oh thank God! Deron Williams would have KILLED me if anything had happened to this bag!"

Deron Williams?

as in point-guard-who-used-to-play-for-the-Jazz-Deron-Williams?

My mind was blown.

Then I started thinking that she really WAS an FBI agent, and that she was speaking in some sort of federal spy code.

Or something.

Mrs. Bourne/Deron Williams/Crazy Lady gave me a look full of haughty condecension and said quite disdainfully:

"Yeah. THE Deron Williams. These are his kids, I'm the wife. It's nice to meet you."

My mind was still trying to figure out if she was speaking in code, so I dazedly shook her extended hand, and watched her walk away with a look of pure and utter confusion on my face. The only cohesive thought in my brain, just like John in Kid History Episode 6, was this:

"What in the FREAK just happened?"

It was one of the weirdest encounters of my entire life.

As soon as I got home, I googled Deron Williams to see if he really WAS married to this crazy/possibly a secret agent lady.

Turns out no.

He's married to this lady:

She looks very nice.
Also NOTHING like the psycho wench I met today.
That lady seemed to me, in dire need of a straight jacket.

Also, a little girl told me that I had Princess Hair.
Best compliment EVER.

The End