How To Survive Finals Week:

{This Post is Dedicated To My Dear Friend Taylor VanBibber Because He's A Stud And I Love Him}

All right my dear friends,

It is the time of year where I apologize for being such a bad blogger

And also give you some

probably hilarious

possibly effective

tips for surviving finals.

1. Eat Cookie Dough.

Eat a lot of cookie dough. Eat nothing but cookie dough.

Fill your entire fridge with different varieties: Chocolate, chocolate chip, white chocolate macadamia nut, sugar cookies.

Heck, just get a pack of double-stuffed oreos, a tub of frosting, and eat your heart out.

Literally.

{WARNING: MAY INDUCE SUGAR RUSH}

2. Flash Cards.

Take your textbook, and copy every chapter you're going to be tested on, onto flash cards. Important vocabulary words get their own card, but all the filler crap you can just cram onto random cards and then burn them maliciously.

But. Don't burn them in your apartment. Otherwise the smoke detector will go off and since you're short, you'll have to drag a chair all the way across your apartment to turn it off.

3. Watch Big Bang Theory.

While you're studying, while you're not studying, while you're sleeping, while you're not sleeping, while you're eating, and while you're at the grocery store.

This show is dynamite.

Not only is it hilarious, full of adorable adorable ADORABLE nerd-men, but- they talk about smart things.

When you listen to smart things, you get smarter.

Ergo, if you watch Big Bang Theory, you will become a crazy-genius and be able to pass your finals in your sleep.

{WARNING: ATTEMPTING TO TAKE YOUR FINALS IN YOUR SLEEP MAY RESULT IN FAILURE}

4. Keep Your Brain Stimulated.

If you let your brain rest, everything you've been studying will puddle around and fall out of your ears while you're not looking. So, here are a few things that I have found keep me focused and un-puddly.

When you're becoming distracted, start counting your fingers. Backwards. 

Try to tip a cup over with your mind (Like Matilda)

Play Minesweeper (Learn the rules though, it's not just a really hard guessing game...)

5. Listen to Asian Music.

Asians are smart and attractive.

It is a secret theory of mine that they have secret telepathic messages encoded in their music that make you smarter.

Either that, or their trying to brainwash everyone into liking   Hello Kitty.

(I'm not saying that I don't like Hello Kitty, I just think that the asians are just a little too obsessed. I mean come on people, she just wears cute dresses! It's not that impressive...)

6. Keep Yourself From Becoming Too Stressed.

Stress happens. It's part of life. BUT if you have too much of it, your head will explode and you will die.

To relieve stress, do the following:

Take a bubble bath. If you don't have a tub, just get a bowl filled with soapy water and give your hand a bubble bath.

Punch Something. but not a person or a small animal or a large animal.

Cry. But only once. Watch that youtube video with the soldiers coming home to surprise their families and cry all your worries away. But once the video is over, put on your big girl panties and keep on truckin'!!

7. Don't Lose Hope

I know that preparing for finals week feels a lot like you're in Helm's Deep trying to defend yourself against a massive army of bloodthirsty Uruk's, but really, it's not as bad as you think. Keep going as long as you can, and just when you think you can't go any further, Eomer rides up, snatches you away, and the two of you make many beautiful babies together...

Really though, if you start feeling like a failure, you need to step back for a second and give yourself some "Me" time.

Put on cute panties, paint your toenails, listen to Justin Bieber, and get your groove back girl!!

You got this!!

Like my Literary hero Aibileen Clark would say:

"You is KIND. You is SMART. You is IMPORTANT."

Well my little turtledoves, there you have it.

The ultimate Finals Survival Guide.

Use it well.

Also...CHRISTMAS IS SOON!!!!!

The End.



Merely Players

All the world's a Stage,
And all the men and women merely players.

-Billy Shakespeare

Do you guys ever watch movies and notice just the random people in the background? The ones listed in the credits as "Screaming guy 3" or "Guy in bar"?

I love those people.

And if someone made a movie of my life,

(I know it's never going to happen, but I'm just saying, it would be a great movie)

these are the people that would be the random guys in the background.

Cast

In order of Appearance

Bow-Tie Professor

In my head, his name is Eustace.

Or Winthrop.

Or maybe Xavier.

I always see him walking around campus, and I want to find out what he teaches just so I can take a class from him.

He looks kind of like this:

With a beard like this:

(minus the luscious curly locks)

He wears hats like this:

And Glasses like this:

And last but not least,

A bow tie like this:

I know what you're thinking,

coolest professor EVER right???

That's what I think every time I see him.

He is the coolest man I've ever seen.

Tall, Skinny, Bald Guy

I see this guy everywhere.

The shuttle, by my Chinese Class, by my Math class,

this man is all over the place.

He looks kinda like this guy:

But bald.

I find him fascinating.

I imagine his hame is Bernard,

and that he acts like Sheldon Cooper.

There's also,

Too Much Denim Cowboy Man

Scowling Asian

Who Do You Think You're Kidding Trashy Skank Girl

I mean COME ON, trying to wear crap like this around campus is just sad.

And the only guys you're getting are the douchbags the rest of us are too good for.

Intriguing Barefoot Leather Pouch Man

This guy is actually VERY attractive, but he never wears shoes.

He's always wearing either gym shorts or sweat pants,

And he is always wearing this little leather pouch around his neck.

The pouch is definitely what I find most intriguing,

what the heck does he keep in there?

I come up with various theories when I'm bored,

things like:

The ashes of a Native American Shaaman

A shark tooth

The souls of his ancestors

Beef Jerky

Interesting Rocks

and

A tiny dragon egg.

I haven't yet mustered the courage to ask him,

but one day I will.

These people may just be "extras" in my life, but the great thing about life- is that everyone is the lead character in their own story.

I'm sure all of us are just extra's to other people, but I think the fact that we get to play even a minor roll in the lives of everyone that we meet is kind of magical.

I just hope that I'm the kind of extra that people notice versus the kind that just fade into the background.

BON VOYAGE!!

Some of you may judge me for the tale I'm about to tell.

Do it.

I don't give a flying fart in space.

Today, I was a participant in the great, the chaotic, the hilarious,

2011 Mouse-Boat Races!

Yes.
We bulit boats.

Put mice in them.

And raced them down a river.

This was my boat.

It is made out of styrofoam, popsicle sticks, ribbon, and hope.

It was without a doubt the cutest boat there.

Myself, and my fellow boat builders.

Our fearless seafarers

The captain readying his ship.

Our ship and sailor, readying for departure.

I didn't ever officially name our mouse,

but in retrospect... I like the sound of

Captain Whipwhiskers

And they're off!!!

Navigating through terrible rapids.

So far Cap'n Whipwhiskers is holding steady in second place.

Then, tragedy struck when the boat capsized.

We can only hope that the good Captain was wise enough to swim to shore.

If not, we mourn his loss.

This boat was the ultimate champion.

It's a big shoe box with water bottles stuck onto the bottom.

As far as rodent-vessels go- it was pretty much bad-A.

3 out of 5 mice-sailors made it out alive.

Cap'n Whipwhiskers and one other were the only casualties.

This brave youngster seems quite unphased by the whole ordeal.

Bless his little whiskered soul.

{All in All}

It was a hilarious endeavor that I thoroughly enjoyed.

If you are ever bored

And you have extra mice,

I heartily suggest that you do this.

THE END.

How I Didn't Meet a Famous Person's Wife

Remember how I work at Lagoon?

Well, I had to go back this weekend. And it still super sucks.

Especially since I had to miss USU's homecoming game AND participating in a world-record-breaking kissing chain!

Grrrrrrr...

World-record kiss or not, I did still have a pretty interesting weekend. Lagoon has a knack for attracting the weirdest people in the world.

Fact.

Today I was working on Bombora, and on Bombora as on all our other roller coasters- we do not allow riders to bring bags on the ride. It's the rules. It's always been the rules.

So, this lady comes on Bombora. Sits down, and tries to tuck her purse between her feet.

I see stuff like this all the time, so I went over to her and very kindly told her that I couldn't let her take her bag on the ride, and asked her if I could set it off to the side.

She said:

"You most certainly can NOT! This bag is worth more than your life!"

Now,

 the only way I can see a purse as being more valuable than my entire being, is if it were a secret portal into Narnia. As I was 97.939% sure that this wasn't the case, I was slightly perturbed by this answer.

I once again very calmy, very kindly told her Lagoon's bag policy and stated that the bag would been in my full view the entire time and that it would be perfectly safe.

To this she said:

"No you don't understand. I have medication in here. Like, I have hardcore rocks in here, AND $5000 in cash. I'm not letting this bag out of my ****ing sight!"

Ok.

Unless you're an undercover agent trying to bust a notorious drug lord for the FBI, why in the world would you go to an amusement park with hard drugs and exuberant amounts of cash??? I was quite literally scratching my head in confusion when she sighed hugely, shoved the bag at me and said:

"Ok. Fine Dammit. But this bag is worth more than your entire life, so you better not let ANYTHING happen to it!"

As I started the ride I reflected on the conversation and thought to myself that it couldn't get any stranger. I was tempted to hide the bag and say that some weirdo had run off with it, just to see what her reaction would be, but figured it wasn't worth her pulliing a knife out of her boot and getting all Jason Bourne on me.

Instead, I gave it back to her as she exited the ride.

I was expecting another snide remark about how apparantly worthless my entire existence was, or at least some profanity. But I was most definitely NOT expecting what she said next:

"Oh thank God! Deron Williams would have KILLED me if anything had happened to this bag!"

Deron Williams?

as in point-guard-who-used-to-play-for-the-Jazz-Deron-Williams?

My mind was blown.

Then I started thinking that she really WAS an FBI agent, and that she was speaking in some sort of federal spy code.

Or something.

Mrs. Bourne/Deron Williams/Crazy Lady gave me a look full of haughty condecension and said quite disdainfully:

"Yeah. THE Deron Williams. These are his kids, I'm the wife. It's nice to meet you."

My mind was still trying to figure out if she was speaking in code, so I dazedly shook her extended hand, and watched her walk away with a look of pure and utter confusion on my face. The only cohesive thought in my brain, just like John in Kid History Episode 6, was this:

"What in the FREAK just happened?"

It was one of the weirdest encounters of my entire life.

As soon as I got home, I googled Deron Williams to see if he really WAS married to this crazy/possibly a secret agent lady.

Turns out no.

He's married to this lady:

She looks very nice.
Also NOTHING like the psycho wench I met today.
That lady seemed to me, in dire need of a straight jacket.

Also, a little girl told me that I had Princess Hair.
Best compliment EVER.

The End

Oh the Cleverness of Me!

As you all well know, I have spent almost the entirety of my summer jobless, and alone at my house. This usually just results in me staying in my pajamas all day watching Korean boy-band music videos and eating chocolate chips. I lead a charmed life. 


Yesterday though, I decided that enough was enough! I was going to take back my life and do something productive for once! (This sentence for some reason makes me picture myself in front of a fluttering American Flag while the nation cheers me on. Wow, that would be really cool...maybe I should buy a big flag...) I was going to learn how to fly and then save the world from Lex Luther, but I just didn't have the time- so I got all crafty instead! 


I don't know if  this is just the estrogen smothered way of gaining satisfaction from working with your hands, but I love doing little crafts and such. My mom used to be huge into scrapbooking and I always loved spending the days helping her put all the pages together and making them all cute. Sadly, no one but me has time to do anything like that anymore... so I just have to do it myself. 


So yesterday, I let my creative juices flow, and ended up with two masterpieces that I am very proud of. You might think they're lame, but no offense: I don't really care...


So. Here they are!


Number One:
      I was sitting in my room and I noticed that I had quite the collection of movie tickets on my walls. Really, I had like 50 of them up there. I decided that they looked really tacky just sitting on my wall like that, and I was thinking of different ways to make them look incredibly less tacky and incredibly more awesome. This is what I came up with:

Mock it if you will, but I think it looks pretty cool!

Number Two:
      I have a lot of necklaces and I always get really frustrated because they get all tangled together, or I misplace one, and all other manners of jewelry related horror. I found a very large piece of framed corkboard and ransacked my mother's ribbon drawer to create this one. (I am even prouder of this one than the last, mostly because it's super cute, and even more mostly, because the ribbon has sheep on it.) 

Isn't that just handy? I hot glued mini clothes-pins to the ribbon and now I can use them to hold all of my necklaces! I felt so ingenious.

SHEEP RIBBON!!!! AH!!!!

After all success of my first two creations, I have decided to do many more such projects over the summer. On my list are: A super cute apron, A college scrapbook, and whatever else I can come up with! If you guys have any ideas, or have any questions about these ones: I would love to hear from you!!!

The End.

The Name Game

So, here's the skinny. I want to buy a pet fish.

I love fish; eating them, catching them, looking at them, and whatever else there is to do with a fish: I  love it.
I bought a fish with my roommates last September, and I loved him. He was blue and yellow and we named him Fido. He lived a long, happy life until Spring Break of this year, where he suddenly fell ill and died. It was most tragic. We also went through six Goldfish, but they didn't last long. 


Ever since Fido's demise, I have been wanting to get a new aquatic pet, and I think that today might be the day. I do need your guy's help though, I need a name. One of my favorite things about getting new pets is naming them, so I need this fish's name to be perfect. I have been considering the following:

• Bruce- It's just a good name
• Skank- That way I could yell "SHUT UP SKANK!" 
• Ingrid- After Ingrid Michaelson
• Sheldon- After my favorite scientist Dr. Sheldon Cooper
• Gilbert- Because he has Gills, also Gilbert is just fun to say
• Purple- Just for fun
• Eugene Fitz Herbert- Because I love both the man and the movie it's from
• Optimus Beyonce- Honestly, it's just one of the best names of all time
• Chuck- Whether it's Norris or Bartowsky, Chuck's are just awesome
• Mahana- Mahana you ugly!
• Ms. Chanandaler Bong- A tribute to one of my favorite T.V. shows of all time
• Zuko- But only if the fish is red, scarred on half of its face, or determined to kill the avatar
• SMASKA- The name of some children's silverware from IKEA
• Fluffy- Oh the irony...
• Sue Sylvester- 'nuff said.

Please help me name this aquatic organism, tell me which name is your favorite, or just give me a name that you thought of yourself. Remember, tip your waitresses.

The End.

Mischief Managed

Somedays, I get in the mood to be all sorts of sneaky. Or, just to do something silly. 


Today, I was just in a funky mood. I got killed by a zombie, and something is wrong with my eye. I was just feeling off. 


I thought I was feeling guilty for not studying enough...so I went to the library and studied for two and a half hours straight. It didn't work. But I did learn a hecka bunch about Evolutionary Biology. (Did you know that we're more closely related to mushrooms than we are to flowers?)


Then I thought I was just feeling hormonal and I needed to cry. So I shut myself up in my room and watched that  one video about the soldiers that always makes me cry like a baby. Nothing. Barely even a sniffle.  


I needed to go to the store to get some eye drops, so I went. And discovered what I needed to feel better. I needed to shop. And be silly. So we went to the dollar store, where I obtained my tools of mischief....


Number One: Pregnancy Test


Now I know what you're thinking. (WHHHHHAATTT???!?!! YOU'RE PREGNANT???!??!! OH MY FREAKING POO ON TOAST!!!) No. I'm not pregnant. I promise. It is a little known fact that pregnancy tests have more than one very important use. The first one, of course, is to tell whether or not you're pregnant after you participate in unprotected intercourse. (Yes, I made that sentence awkward on purpose) The second use, is to majorly weird out any boys that come into your apartment by leaving it casually in the open.

Like So....

Number Two: Beware Of Dog Sign


You might think that this is a slightly superfluous item (yes, I just totes said 'superfluous') considering that I live in an on campus dorm where pets are strictly prohibited. But I made a few modifications to make it extremely useful. Hee Hee Hee

Now, just to clarify, I don't really live next door to a bunch of dogs. To quote my home-skillet Spock, the assumption that I reside adjacent to a home filled with violent canines is illogical. (I don't think Spock ever really said this, but it's the kind of thing he would say) The guys I live next door to are all silly gooses that are my friends. And we all like to tease each other. 


Needless to say, I feel much better about life now. Especially after the guys next door saw my handiwork. 


I just have one more thing to say: Oh the cleverness of me!!!

Secret Valentines Plans

As you all know, Valentines is coming up. As you also know, or at least inferred from my last post, I am relatively manless for this day of affection. And by relatively, I mean completely. My roommates are pretty much in the same boat as me, which proves that there is a serious problem with the men up here. My roommates are all gorgeous, amazing girls that any man anywhere else in the world would give anything to date. But, since we are all manless on Valentines day, we decided to have a secret scandalous party, the details of which will never be revealed to anyone other than the four of us. 
        Are you curious? Are you just dying to know? Well you can't. I'm sorry.  If I told you, then there would be catastrophic repercussions. Kind of like when you rip the tag off a mattress. Or when a Vogon reads poetry to you. It just wouldn't be good. But, since I think it would be incredibly cruel to bring this up, and then leave you in the lurch about it, I will give you three hints.Mostly just because I'm very excited for it and cannot contain myself.


Hint Number One: No men will be allowed in our apartment. It would just be improper. 


Hint Number Two: We all had to go buy new attire to wear at this party. New matching attire. (devilish eyebrow wiggling)


Hint Number Three: I don't know anyone else who is having a party like this. But I know plenty of people that secretly wish they were. 


There you have it, who needs men on valentines day? Not my apartment! We have much better plans....